People keep asking me what the secret item is

It’s not just about timing and content, but other people’s reactions, too

Mountains attract weirdos. Hiking and climbing lore is filled with stories of obsession, extreme feats and tragedy. Even the most casual hikers will have stories of wet boots, wrinkled fingers or getting lost in the dark. If you weren’t a bit odd before, thin air, lack of sleep and long days will make sure you end up that way. I believe this is part of the draw. More than a few times I have questioned why I’m sitting on a very small spire of rock as rain spits in my face and chills my bones. Despite this I always return.

One common example of this obsessive nature can be found in organising gear for a trip: creating detailed kit lists that are made and circulated with friends to check off for every eventuality. There is a religious approach to achieving the most efficient packing strategy. A pack should contain everything you need, while being as light as possible. Usually a bag is packed, then reduced, then reduced again. It’s streamlining. Writing the most efficient kit list involves planning for the likely events, while minimising excess. On most trips friends and I will circulate a list on Google Docs or WhatsApp feeds: “head torch, gloves, batteries, spare hat?”. Items are added and crossed out as the most minimal shared pool of items is revealed.

As a mockery of this equation I started to introduce a feature to the kit lists I circulated before a trip. It simply said “secret item”. I didn’t explain it and when people asked about it I only said it had to be a secret. Early examples came from a playful place: one team member brought his office Bluetooth mouse and keyboard on a three day trip, another brought some vintage wine but also, crucially, three crystal glasses as a clear thumb to any weight concerns. It seemed ridiculous, almost sadistic, to hide extra weight on an already heavy pack. But this seemed like a perfect compliment for the weirdness of the mountains. There is no right or wrong but over the years the secret item has evolved, and with it the idea of what lands and what doesn’t.

So, what makes a secret item? Well, the answer remains that it just needs to be secret but here are a few guidelines on what has been found to make a good secret item.

1. Be either very useless or very effective — This contradiction is perhaps the greatest junction when deciding on what to bring. Both being very effective, and being seemingly useless have their advantages. A recent secret item was a mountain-themed award show, complete with music, awards and bow-ties. It might have been out of place but it makes sense in the ridiculousness of the mountains
2. Think ahead for maximum surprise — Sometimes ideas can come on the fly but the ones that stick in my mind were steeped in care. A pack of woollen socks because we got soaked on the last trip, or a firework display for when we had set up the camp were both wonderfully unexpected
3. Be communal and consumable — Food and beverages outside of existing expectations can be great, and also practical. A litre of whisky might be heavy but it almost always comes in handy
4. Pick your moment to reveal — Most secret items have a clear place in the rhythms of a trip. Champagne might fit the peak, a team cycle cap might be given at the start, but also be ready to deviate from your plan

Overall, the secret item should be something unexpected and — even if it’s completely out of place — immediately comprehensible. A friend summed it up best: “It should be your all-in winning cards in a game of poker. It’s not just about timing and content, but other people’s reaction, too.” Nothing is wrong or right. As long as it creates a moment you’re on the right track. Get out there, get weird and good luck.